Hi there, Five days…5 ways readers.

I would start with all that mushy stuff that Abbie’s other guest-posters do about feeling so excited and happy to be here, but, quite frankly, I’m not. I do deserve to be here, though. It’s my right. And Abbie knows it, so let’s just skip the malarkey and cut straight to heart of the matter, shall we?

I’m Emmeline, the DIY tufted ottoman.

(Abbie added that “disgruntled” part in the title; I’m not disgruntled; okay, so maybe I am…a little; but mostly I just want justice; geez, with the labeling and stuff; she’s so passive aggressive; ANYway…*deep breath*).

You guys might remember me from this post, when I looked a little something like this:

Purdy, huh? *Sigh* Those were the days.

Back then, Abbie was super-proud of me. See how she even put me up there at the very top of the left-hand side of her blog-page, thingy, deal.

And she should have been proud. After all, she put a good 10 hours into making me. And I repaid her by bringing her lots of new friends.

I even got pinned (ouch!) a lot of times on something-or-other called…Pinobsession….no, that’s not right. Pin-it-and-then-never-actually-do-it? No, that’s not it either. Anyway, it’s some sort of internet phenomenon that has all these women sitting and staring at it for days without eating or drinking, much less doing laundry or feeding their children.

But I digress.

The point of this guest-post is to draw to your attention a betrayal of the worst sort.

Because you deserve to know what Abbie’s truly like.

You see, after suffering all kinds of indignities over the last year and 1/2—countless juice spills and peanut butter smears, innumerable pillow fights where I took at least as many shots as what those little hooligans Abbie calls her children were actually aiming at, and even several instances of serving as a handkerchief to sop up the snot of that little bitty thing with the flowy hair—she’s replaced me. (Abbie, not the little one).

Here’s how it went down:

She spent a whole lot of time sitting on the couch after Thanksgiving, staring at her computer screen and muttering about Black Friday deals, whatever those are. Mostly, I just blocked her out. Believe me, she talks to herself enough and does more than enough hollering at her offspring that if you didn’t turn a deaf ear to most of it, you’d go as batty as she obviously is.

But then she sat up a little straighter, and her eyes got brighter, and she started jabbering things like “French yellow tufted ottoman in linen.” And I started to get worried.

Turns out for good reason.

I mean, sure, I wasn’t exactly looking my best.


Those darn little ankle-biters pulled off all but two of my buttons!

And then there was the fact that Abbie never actually bothered to finish my nail-head trim.


I overheard her tell that really cute tall man who’s always around that they should do it “this weekend,” but apparently, it never was “this weekend,” because it didn’t happen.

I just kept hanging onto hope though, content in the knowledge that she wouldn’t—no, couldn’t—forget my loyalty.

I did start to worry, though—when she popped out 2 (TWO!) more future juice-spillers—that she might never get around to restoring me to my former, blog-worthy glory.

And then—THEN—a big box showed up…and out came this:


Okay, so maybe it is kind of pretty in all its French yellow linen…ness.

And it doesn’t have any juice stains (yet) and has all its buttons.

And it was a pretty good deal with free shipping even (I took a peek at her receipt when she wasn’t looking).

But seriously? I’m DIY. And that thing’s…not.  That makes her a total faker, right? Right!


Ugh. I just can’t stop myself with the pictures.

Anyway, I just thought you ought to know the kind of girl you’re dealing with.

Sure, she claims that she intends to revamp me (someday), but we all know how that’ll probably never happen with all those little people running around.

Honestly, the only consolation I have is that pretty soon, little Miss Yellow Britches is going to look like this:


{Unless, of course, Abbie actually makes that protective covering she keeps talking about}.

But, for now, she looks like this:


Grrrrr…Must. stop. looking.

And I’ve been relegated to a corner of the workshop.

I mean, there really is no justice in the world, is there?

But at least now you know. I’ve been replaced. Feel free to leave multitudinous comments expressing your outrage.

Until we meet again…Adieu (take that, Frenchie!)


  1. This is brilliant, a work of genius. Who knew that ottomans had such epic keyboard skills. Frenchie is delightful though!

  2. Well were I do begin… please pass on my deepest sympathy to Emmeline. Fancy being replaced with a gorgeous yellow ottoman with stunning timber legs. But alas, we all are getting older. Lets face it, we all age 🙁 But think of it this way Emme, you got verbal promise, I know, its only a promise at this stage of a FACE LIFT. Who knows, you might even like your new face! In the mean time take comfort in the fact that those five munchkins will de-face that newbie quicker than you can say JACK ROBINSON…. unless the long headed one puts a plastic jacket all over the top of that newbie.

  3. I meant to say long haired one… and the were should read “where”… half asleep when I wrote response 🙂 greeting from down under.

  4. Water–only allow those kiddos water in the rest of the house. My kids can’t have so much as a lick of anything outside the kitchen! That’s the ONLY way I can keep things from getting completely stained and marred. And, lots of Scotchguard!

  5. Dear Emmeline,

    I know exactly how you feel. I feel that way every time I see a less wrinkled, firm young thing with all her buttons.

  6. I’ve been out of town and just getting a chance to catch up…….
    This post was cracking me up! I have never read a post from an ottoman, and this one didn’t disappoint! Don’t tell Emmeline, but I do LOVE the new yellow Frenchie. Just lovely! I would have to cover it in shark-suit chain-metal to survive at my house..haha! Wish I lived closer and I would give poor Emmeline a makeover and a new home 🙂
    PS. Thx for adding the part about the missing nailhead trim……cuz that is totally something I would do! haha!

  7. Haha! This post was cracking me up! You have such a witty writing style. Most definitely the first blog post that I’ve read from an ottoman. Poor girl! Loved the part about not finishing the nail head trim…..I would so do that! But, don’t tell emmeline…….I Love your new yellow one! Awesome! And I would have to wrap it in shark suit chain metal for it to live at my house! Great find! If I was closer, I’d take Emmeline in and give her a facelift 😉

I love hearing from you guys!