Move-it Monday: The 5 Kid Workout

So…I attempted to take a Body Pump class last week.

With all five kids with me (well, only the twins were in the class, but you get the idea).

When all was said and done, what I actually ended up taking was 1/4 of a Body Pump class, but in the process of getting there and home again, I discovered a workout that just might be more effective than any gym class I’ve ever done.

I’m calling it The 5 Kid Workout, and it will give you arms like this:

…nerves like this:

…and a brain like this:

And it goes a little something like this.

• Find workout clothes that fit; put them on; spend 3 minutes spinning around in front of bathroom mirror like a dog chasing its tail as you attempt to check hard-to-see angles for over-abundant love handle oozage.

TIME: 10 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 75

• Bathe one twin; wrestle her tiny little body into tiny little clothes (dang, their arms may be small, but they can make those suckers as stiff as little tree limbs!)

TIME: 10 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 50

• Bathe other twin; get peed on while drying her off; wrestle tiny body into tiny clothes (tree limbs, I say!); find more exercise clothes that fit, repeat dog-chasing-tail mirror routine

TIME: 20 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 150 (Extra for having to find a second outfit)

• Change toddler’s diaper, get her outfit on, fix her hair

TIME: 10 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 50

• Buckle twins into car seats

TIME: 5 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 100 (seriously)

• Climb in back of van to buckle toddler; put both twins’ car seats in van

TIME: 5 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 200 (have you ever wriggled between the captain’s chairs of a van to buckle a toddler car seat? it takes a serious amount of muscle strength and flexibility)

• Pick up boys from school; climb over twin car seats to get to very back corner seat in order to assist 4 1/2-year-old with his buckle, which he claims is the hardest thing he’s ever {not}done (kid, you have no idea!)

TIME: 5 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 100

YEARS OFF MY LIFE: 2

• Pull into Target parking lot, get all children out, strap one twin to the front of me, placing the toddler and other twin in her car seat in the basket; threaten two walking boys with grounding for life if they remove their hands from basket; spend 30 minutes finding 3 items, while reminding the toddler to sit down in the basket; receive at least 123 pitying glances from Target employees and fellow shoppers; check out, amidst numerous helpful reminders from fellow shoppers about the need for my toddler to sit down while in the basket; nod and smile at at least 7 different iterations of, “Bless your heart; you sure do have your hands full.” Return to car and repeat process of climbing into back corner to buckle 4 1/2-year-old, strap toddler into seat, and reinsert both twin car seats.

TIME: 55 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 1,045

YEARS OFF MY LIFE: 17

• Arrive at gym, repeat child extraction process, climb three flights of stairs holding two car seats and attempting to keep track of 3 other small children; descend two flights of stairs, while holding two car seats and attempting to keep toddler from falling head over heels down both flights.

TIME: 10 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 100

• Arrive at Body Pump class in time for last 2 1/2 tracks; do exercises and realize that bicep curls are a relief in comparison with carrying two car seats at once

TIME: 18 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 150

• Gather children from four corners of the earth gym daycare, attempt to avoid flights of stairs by using ground-level exit, only to have toddler refuse to enter dark room with pounding music; stand around at a total loss for a moment before transferring both car seats to one arm and lifting toddler up on “free” hip so she (and the twins) can be carried through dark, loud cycling room.

TIME: 7 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 500

YEARS OFF MY LIFE: 3

• Reinstall all children in van; have mild nervous breakdown at the prospect of a grocery trip to Walmart; drive home instead, convincing myself the whole way that cereal is an appropriate dinner for my children.

TIME: 35 minutes

CALORIE BURN: 100

YEARS OFF MY LIFE DUE TO MOMMY GUILT: 5

• Consume ginormous bowl of ice cream after older children are in bed

TIME: 5 minutes (brain FREEZE! but the twins are screaming to be fed)

CALORIES GAINED: 500

So! Just in case you got lost anywhere in that mess, here are the totals:

TIME SPENT WRANGLING CHILDREN:  178 minutes

CALORIES BURNED: 2970

YEARS OFF MY LIFE: 27

TIME SPENT IN BODY PUMP: 18 minutes

CALORIES BURNED: 150

CALORIES CONSUMED: 500

Final balance: 2,620 calories burned

I’d call that a pretty good workout…if you’ve got 3 hours, 20 minutes, and 27 years of your life to spare, that is.

Oh yeah. And 5 kids (preferably including a set of twins) around to help you out.

Disclaimer: all calorie burns are estimates and subject to the exerciser’s state of mental wellbeing (or lack thereof).